A leaf from my tree; The fall I used to see.

I've always wanted to love fall. To see the beauty in the transitioning of colors (vibrant greens to the vibrant oranges and yellows). I even believe I did love it once. Once before what happened (what you did to me) 3 years ago.
3 years ago that I walked those never ending blocks home. So early to avoid it all, avoid feeling so dumb and trying to keep numb. All I could see were those oranges and yellows. Leaves on the street. A street so long and quiet, walking barely on my own, feeling completely alone. Alone in the emotions I begged and pleaded not to be receiving. The gift from you to me that you kept on repeating.
As I tried to avoid all the thoughts and emotions, the colors were all I could see, falling all over me. Drowning my figure of already black, in this two-tone sea.
I cried to you that night. Trusting and hoping you could just hold  me tight. Already beaten down, in more ways than one, you helped me walk down further, further to done. "Away from it all" I thought you said. But away from them all, I found out instead. From your touch and embrace a warmth I expected, but years of fears and tears and scars is what I truly collected. Already broken and hoping to just grieve, I turned to you for a shoulder- and maybe a sleeve. In using filth to loosen my pain, you found a moment from which you could gain.
The truest definition of shame I walked, block by block, still completely confused and in devastating shock. As it sank in, my pace quickened. I could feel the eyes peaking from behind the shades, feeling those stares act like sharp blades. With only the cool breeze to shield and confuse my body from the reality of my shivering heart. Quaking and aching and fighting in the streets just to not fall apart.
Later, I couldn't tell what was worse, seeing (in your eyes) a new toy. A brighter, whiter cute boy, who clearly brought joy. Or being treated like a cold and old corpse.
To you I tried to be blind, but in doing so, all my friends I had to leave behind. They all still saw you as I did before; someone of laughter and smiles, put I couldn't see it anymore. And though alone I didn't want to be, no one seemed to listen to me. And with time it couldn't get better, but it would actually get worse. Not a trial or blessing or lesson I could learn from, but truly a curse I could see.

Putting a halt to the tears and taking the next years, my friends of support I found and did my best to build strong. But even with each year of the happiness I had built all around, it wouldn't take long when that time of the year would come along. And again I would be surrounded by that sharp and chill breeze and the change of the colors to fall, treading again in the two-tone sea.


But I've had enough.
Every chance of true love you've taken, branding me as damaged and forsaken. But I'll no longer let you win, because I've found that the true prize is that I can still feel love from within. At times my life may feel devastating  and vile, but somehow I keep surprising myself and staring at my reflection with a smile. And the image of forgiveness is the sight I so strongly wish to see, but right now what's truly important is that I think of just me.