The World On My Mind.

  I'm tired of fighting this fight  in my head. Always thinking that when they say something, they really mean this instead. Wondering what I'm doing wrong, how can I be better? For them I must be flawless- the likely song with still so much more to add to the chorus. Where do these thoughts come from? How did I end up like this? What has happened to me that the bad is all I see and the good is what I miss?
  Why can't I see that I'm not just really nice? I'm caring, loving and passionate and not made of ice. Ice that when melted is just watered out. I am stunning and eloquent and not just some freak that makes others stare and hate what I'm about. But all these things I push to the back of my head and focus on all the bad that has been done and said. And  because my mind is always running on this deadly beaten track instead, I don't realize that it's my heart they are gunning and I can't come back once I am dead. Murdered by that lurking evil twin, taking the food and ensuring the good would slowly die from within. Embarrassed and weak from a high lack of positive nutrition and a strong doubt in my own intuition, I'm kept far from my plans for a peaceful life of fruition.
  But if I forget my deep hatred for myself and remember my love for another and try to be brave, if only for just one day, I remember that we all have that crave to share what we can't always say. Sometimes knowing how we relate can help that hate and fear disappear. And perhaps now that stranger is no longer in danger because of our bravery. That stranger we chose to love perhaps can help us to rise above and fin  ourselves enrichened and our hearts much more savory and no longer in this repetition of slavery.
  Breaking the chain can help us reshape the frame in which we see ourselves, to keep up with our ever changing brain. And with no guarantee that with one try we'll be set free, we must try once more- something to all I must implore. Because in that one single day, we can be heroes. And not just for me, her or him, but for the the one that lies deeply within. And maybe one day that'll be worth more than gold for everyone; The soon, young and old.


01.11.16

For Keeps. part 1

  It's funny how we never truly know what's wrong. We take stabs and jabs and guesses, but most of the time all that we find are really big messes. It's only when we take down the walls and  break down the ice that we're able to grow tall and truly feel nice.
  For so long did I fight to learn perfection, to feel strong in my knowledge of correction while building a thick exterior. Every step a new move to be right, never sure of my own intention, but determined to be in some way superior.
  Never did I imagine that every intricate detail I found would grow too tall for a vision so small, that it would show to not be so humble after all am  easily crumble with just one sound.
  The sound of your breath growing too shallow for my comfort and the sensation of your kisses getting too distant. I tried to grasp at all that I could, some how we both must have misunderstood. Suddenly I was surrounded by dark, praying for just one spark to strain to see your shadow and desperately follow, but something had become much too different.
  Crying and convinced I was dying, I finally let go and all the answers came piling. For too long had I refused to let myself be confused that every explanation only buried my freedom much deeper. Everyone since him that I've tried to let in, it wouldn't take me long to suspect them their sin, not realizing they were probably a keeper.

11.20.15