The Fight for Light.

  Clearly, I hardly ever blog. It's something that's just not on my high priority list, but it is somewhere I know I can go when I don't feel or think I can go and do anything at all, when I have to let it all out and just... be me.

  This is one of the most sensitive matters that is spoken about so often but not nearly enough, specially by those that are actually there and deal with that constant struggle. As I write this I am fighting myself to even continue... but after tonight, I refuse to continue in silence and not share what I and so many others fight and push back in darkness. Tonight, after a good time with new friends and family, I was told about the untimely loss of a very old and amazing friend. And out of love and respect, and fairly recent time frame of it all, I choose not to disclose names and details, but simply say that someone greatly loved and cherished took their life without warning. A mistake once realized, was too late to take back.
This was someone I first met when I was in Third grade and they'd just moved back into town. I remember so many funny times we had and things we picked up from each other. I remember I hated wearing pants when I was in elementary, because I felt so restricted by them. Something I was clearly not alone in. Well one day I noticed that after returning from the restroom he no longer was wearing jeans but had shorts on... so I asked him about it and he simply stated that he wasn't allowed to wear shorts by his mom so he brought shorts to school to change into without his mom ever knowing... so from then on I would wear shorts under my pants and then take them off once I got to school as well. I thought he was so clever and knew he had to be my best friend. From then on our friendship just bloomed throughout Elementary. We both challenged each other to do and say funny things, something you could say he definitely enjoyed was making other's laugh, and that was something I admired and aspired to do for myself. He obviously always out did me. Another fond memory, one that always embarrassed him but could always laugh at himself for, that I clearly remember, for I sat right next him, was we had just had an outburst in class and as everything was settling down and everyone was beginning to focus on the lesson, when I, and everyone else in class, are once again disgruntled by a sudden commotion happening in the seat right next to me. My friend had apparently stuck his head through the back hole of his chair, clearly to amuse the class, and oh how we all were amused and laughing at such a silly thing, but such a thing to be expected of him. And as he wiggled and his laughs turned to panicked sighs and cries for help everyone continued to laugh and just thought was part of his act. Well once we all were evacuated from the classroom and saw the janitors and firemen rush into the room with huge saws, did we realize he truly was stuck and was having a difficult time getting his head out from the back of the chair. A very scary moment for everyone in the room, but definitely something everyone was eventually able to laugh about once he was safe again. Something he was never going to not be reminded about. These were the things that we all knew and loved him for. His ability to light up the room and just change the dull moments to something to laugh about. I mean these are just SOME of the things he did in THIRD GRADE, I'm sure that goes without saying how he continued to bring that light to the lives around him as the years went by. It's the memories like these, so simple and exactly him, that I will choose to remember and grow and learn from. The feelings will not be forgotten or taken for granted.

  The loss of such a positive force has affected all that knew him, in the past or in the recent present, barely or more than others. A loss that no matter how you knew him, effects us all. Something that pretty much no one expected or could even ever truly know what drove him to that deep and dark place, nor do we even pretend to be able to imagine.
  As for me, this has touched me at such a deep level, not only because of our past and history, but because I have also had those dark and ominous hours and have found myself drowning and lost as to where I was and why I was even alive at all. This is something I never imagined to share to the world or make public knowledge. Since a very young age I remember just holding my breathe and thinking how much I would love and how grand it would just be to just stop being all together. This was something that I continued to struggle clear up to my High School years. What did these thoughts and feelings stem from? I couldn't tell you because I myself didn't know and so strongly fought against to understand.
  One thing I MUST make known before I go any further, I have an amazing family that loves me so so much and have and continue to only ever want the best for me and I love them hands down, all factors and mistakes aside and nothing and no one will ever be more important to me than them, sorry guys...! (and obviously my extremely close friends are included as my family as well) ha but seriously, they are my world and have helped make me into the person I am and continue to grow into today.
  So growing up I have always been quiet... effeminate. Something that as a child I was teased about a lot and as a teenager gossiped about, greatly behind my back, something I knew about but ignored and pretended didn't bother or phase me. But clearly I knew, and oh how I cared. I struggled everyday and thought how and what I could change and do differently so that I could just be liked and treated JUST like everyone else. "Why can't I be?", I cried to myself late at night as I prayed to my Heavenly Father. As far as I knew, I did everything I was supposed to. It got really bad for me once I was in High School, I some how managed to skip by in middle school, that age when kids are the WORST. But I'm sure that's greatly because I did my best to not be noticed for the most part. But High School, that's the age where no matter who you are, you get noticed. Some for good and others for worse. I'm not writing this to tell the typical sob story, "High School is so hard and made my life a living hell.", because I do have a lot of good memories and really did have fun with my amazing friends. But I'm mentioning this because it plays a big part. For the most part what people could say about me in High School was I was silly, somewhat outgoing and over all just kinda out there and funny. And I did my best to always give off that persona. High School being what it can be, I did my best to just conform and over all do what was to be expected. I did sports, played instruments, sang in the choir and joined clubs and worked hard academically. On paper I was the ideal student. Though I never did date, something I'm sure everyone else noticed as well. It wasn't for lack of trying or wanting to, but because I never could truly let myself be, something other's might have caught onto but weren't quiet sure what it was. I had a lot of dark thoughts, I remember freshman year I would wear a lot of sweaters and long sleeve shirts because I had a secret I didn't want people to know in fear that they would think I was just trying to get attention. I'm sure that goes without saying I caused self induced pain, primarily small cuts on my arms. I remember finding out about another friend that was going through the same thing, but probably worse, and thinking I'm not alone, and even exchanging scar marks with each other, and worse being jealous that their's were even bigger and deeper. I remember even lying to two friends that saw them one day, one being a girl I had a crush on, and her slapping me. I felt so ashamed and dumb that I lied saying it was my cat... I have never in my life had a cat. But because that was in danger of being exposed I then went from cutting myself to bulimia, that way I was just skinny and not causing bodily harm to myself. Anytime I felt like trash and I needed a "lift me up" I would just go throw up. This is something I have never shared with anyone. I was able to address the cutting and speak to a very important friend about it but never told them the only way I stopped was because I was now vomiting every morning and night. Eventually as time went on I was able to stop and focus all my energy else where. I do want it to be known I did have some normal years and time frames, though I was just fighting the darkness with a lot more force and hope that was provided by my loving family and the few friends that I kept close to me and briefly and vaguely sharing my thoughts and general feelings, but always keeping them at bay of what was truly going on in my mind. I'm gonna state this now, even though I'm sure it's been made fairly evident, and since I have told my family from my own mouth, I'm gay. Something that does not make me who I am or define me as a person. I am not embarrassed nor do I feel like I have anything to hide. I'm just simply who I am, and I can undoubtedly say I LOVE everything about me. This was something I clearly struggled with in the past and never was certain or sure about or even knew what to do and think about my feelings and thoughts. Something that I always was under the strong impression that was not normal and shouldn't be talked about. So I didn't. I hate sharing deep feelings just as such, especially with people who probably aren't even reading this, but it's something that I have decided cannot be left unsaid. Anyone who has felt and gone through feelings of insecurity about who they are in any sense, not just sexuality but spirituality, creativity and anything that sets them apart, knows the importance of sharing. Because keeping it bottled up becomes extremely unhealthy and begins to deteriorate not only your mental health but emotional and physical. I could say I've hit crazy before. I have been unhealthy in every aspect of life. I became a danger to myself that I couldn't live alone because that increased the chances of me being lost not only to myself but everyone around me.
I hesitate to write this last part, because it is no longer who I am and something I would never do again, but this was my breaking point that brought me back. I was living alone and felt like everything was in vain like I didn't even know why I existed. I wasn't on speaking terms with my family because I was pushing them away by not being open and sharing a big part of who I was to them in fear of being rejected. I felt like it was better for me to reject them so they couldn't reject me and turn me away. I had a large bottle of Tylenol and took every pill I could and downed it with rubbing alcohol. Sounds stupid right? I know... but I was stupid. About 45 min to an hour later I started feeling dizzy and ended up just throwing up nonstop. Perhaps it was divine intervention, but my body just knew to get that crap out of my system. After some hysterical crying and self pity I realized how stupid I felt and was tired of it. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to live a functioning, somewhat normal, life. There soon after, two of my most AMAZING friends flew out to visit me for a few days and finally at that point I shared with them the difficulties I was going through and feeling. Without their help I never would have fully, or quickly, snapped out of it so I am so thankful that I could rely on such amazing friends that were just there for me. They didn't try to relate, nor say they knew how I felt. They just listened and let me know I wasn't alone and could share anything with them. Slowly but surely after I begun speaking to my family and just being completely honest about who I am and how I want to live. Though no family is perfect, mine have been able to express their love for me unconditionally, with all differences aside.

  To this day I am guilty of having small occurrences of dark thoughts, not out of depression or sadness, because truth be told these thoughts aren't always caused from depression or unfortunate events that happen in our lives. It can be a serious problem and imbalance if not addressed and treated. And I have nothing and no reason to be sad or depressed, I have a wonderful family that loves me and cares for me and amazing friends that will always be for me when I need it, yet I can catch myself thinking, and not in a mad or sad voice, "but what am I working towards? What is the point in all this fighting to live?" Well to those questions I have the most simple, yet deepest and impacting answer; My point and reason is to be Happy. And I am. I love my life for everything that it is and has become. I have so much to look forward to, places to go and people to meet.

  To think that someone we know was going through the same thing, but for some reason is not still fighting and just no longer is... it's the scariest and most damaging thing to me right now. To know that I've been through that but my mistake wasn't so irreversibly horrid, takes my breathe away and robs me of all my words. I cry and hope this won't become a fate for others struggling to find that light to keep them in the world, though dark as it can be, has so much love and light to offer.

For anyone that can relate, or understand this on their own personal level, speak because in forever holding this there is no peace. I know it can be easier said than done, but if not for yourself then for those that love you. For me, they're what keep me grounded and pull me back to that place of hope.

A quote we should always keep in mind is,
"BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A GREAT BATTLE." - Plotinus